Chemistry
With it being Valentine’s Day and all, it only seemed fitting to post on a romantic topic. I want to caveat this entire post by saying that my Valentine’s Day consisted of eating my feelings at The Parlor with church friends. In case you couldn’t tell, I’m hardly Dr. Love.
That said, I have been making some observations lately about the way we interact as human beings. It’s incredibly interesting to watch the cycle of attraction, affection, and love. Couples (around here at least) move relatively quickly from attract to engage – most likely before that Manhattan wears off and the Seattle freeze sets in. People are on a hunt, it’s easy to see. Most recently, I’ve watched a close friend move incredibly fast in a relationship with her boyfriend. Just over Christmas she was debating what type of gift to get him – she wanted something that wouldn’t suggest too much. She netted out with cologne. Two months later, she’s engaged.
Now how do people move so quickly from attract to, in this case, engaged? Is there something in the water? Are these people simply type A folks who are goal oriented and see the relationship portion of their life no differently than a professional obstacle to overcome? Perhaps. But it sometimes drives them to extremes.
I’ve seen friends start to dabble in the online dating – eHarmony, Match.com, you name it. By and large, they’ve found these online tools to be eHarmful to their self-esteem. But they keep going back. Now what’s happening here? Is it just efficient dating? I must admit I was drawn to the idea of internet dating since its inception. It seems to me to just be the next frontier in which computing (and more specifically the internet) is simplifying life. Simply put, I’ve embraced technology everywhere else in my life, why not when it comes to finding a girlfriend?
But I think that might be the distinction – and maybe where people are tripping up. They don’t seem to be looking for girlfriends and boyfriends – they are looking for wives and husbands. This puts tremendous pressure on both parties, long before they’ve even met. And by the way, the first meeting is where all the magic happens. Not the first phone call, not the first text, and certainly not the first match notification through some bit of web 2.0 magic.
In the past couple weeks, I’ve watched as a friend has begun virtually courting someone through an online dating site. It’s efficient to the T – they schedule their phone calls, they have banter, and then they go on with their lives. There was chemistry, plain and simple chemistry. Or was there?
When it came time for them to meet in person (they are GU = geographically undesirable) – something different and totally unexpected happened. They began to withdraw. The would-be couple no longer found themselves volunteering conversation, the engagement slowed to near non-existence. So what happened here? I’d suggest that online dating has reversed the pivotal order of things – that is attract and then engage. With the likes of eHarmony and Match.com, the engagement happens long before the attraction. Now granted, they may have exchanged photos but as we all know, we can be extremely discerning in what photos we share. Heck, creative camera angles even made Timothy Dalton look like a decent Bond with a full head of hair (and we all just know now that that wasn’t true).
Anyways, I might be rambling here, but I think there’s something to this. The online dating thing is efficient, yet – but I’d suggest it might be robbing us of the fundamental and core piece to any coupling… the chemistry that comes from an initial attraction. And besides, this is one area of my life where I’d take pride in being able to do it myself.
Feel free to challenge me here, curious what you think.
Great post, Derek! There were a lot of times I'd log onto Match.com or Eharmony and just sit there, thinking… do I really want to do this? I always landed on "no" because I figured the people on Match just wanted to hookup and the people on Eharmony wanted a wife. Too much pressure to not let things happen organically.That being said, my parents met on ChristianCafe, a site for Christian singles and that has been the best thing to happen to my family. So, it does work in some cases.
how do your friends feel about you sharing their stories online?
@Kristen Thanks, I tend to agree that there are exceptions. I'm thinking of checking out ChristianCafe myself… or maybe EquallyYoked
. I kidd I kidd!@Deanna Names were not used to protect the innocent
Well, I can tell you my experience with match.com.I didnt like the whole idea of the online dating.One day I thought just to try it out and to see what would happen. I actually met my husband. We became friends. As soon as he met me, he wanted to be my boyfriend! Anyway, long story short….you know the ending of my story. I say, is it really worth it?
OK, so in all fairness, I know two couples that met on EHarmony and are both very good looking (I know surprising right) and personalities work very well together. On Eharmony they do that personality test thing in such depth that I think it would be impossible to find someone that wasn't pretty compatible. (No they did not hire me to say that) Anyway, can only speak from experience of others but they seem happy?! Are you considering? I know that sometimes career professionals find it hard to touch base with people in that stage so it makes other singles more accessible. Side note: a couple in our small group met on Christian Cafe and have been married for 2.5 years?! I think no matter what the situation, people aren't keeping their eyes open enough if they are rushing. Long winded sorry.
Derek. Isn't this a question of market position? eharmony.com / match.com are positioned for people who lack the confidence, desire or time to meet a partner through the more traditional channels (a bar, a club, an activity, the workplace etc etc). The value exchange you're making is that the relationship experience is turned upside down – you engage then you see if you attract. For the shy, lazy or very busy this may be a fair value exchange. Clearly this value exchange doesn't work out for you. So the real question you should be asking is : is there market opportunity for a Web 2.0 dating site built around the traditional model of attracting a partner?
Derek – I always appreciate your carefully crafted articulations – even of the heart. I recently had an experience like this – and your post captured it so accurately. I "met" a guy through a friend via the phone, but with us being on opposite coasts, it had the same likes of online dating. Texts (like thousands!) and emails and calls. I was SURE there was chemistry. And then we planned to meet – then things got awkward and the withdrawing happened – but we met anyways – and it did not click. The intense chemistry – or whatever I felt – on the phone did not join us on our date. The biggest question I have is that, if we had met in person first, would it have been different? Did meeting the way we did take away from the ability to have natural chemistry? Ill never know. I do know I spent a few months and a lot of money on a date that was a total flop. C' la vie. So – I echo your thoughts. Thanks for sharing them
I tend to think that dating, whether online or offline, tends to just depend on where people are in life. Before online dating, there was pen pals, newspaper personals and other matchmaking services. People have fallen in love via letters, and emails / IM online are about the same thing.Sometimes, these letters can promote attraction that may not have come initially. A mutual interest of some sort that is not immediately apparent, or just a gradual friendship that blooms. Conversely, an immediate attraction could cool down later as well, as differences become more apparent.So, there are upsides and downsides to each method of dating. But, in the end, I would say that it doesn't matter where you meet that special someone. When you have met that love of your life, does it matter where you met that person?
Hey Derek, nice blog post, can I post on my blog at http://www.GuysAndGirlsNextDoor.com/blog
Clearly, I started a matchmaking and dating company to address this problem.
I think that is important to share that if you are seeking a committed relationship, that not only you keep your eyes open as Karissa mentioned, but it is also important that they make themselves available everyday to expanding their social network.
Wow, I'm honored to have stimulated such an engaging discussion. Seriously folks – there is some insight here.Rachel – Ugh, my heart really does go out to you, truly. I hope that your experience was the exception and not the rule. At any rate you've got it going on and you shouldn't be shy about holding the line for everything you want in a man next time around.Karissa – Didn't you once tell me you had the knack for spotting people who are compatible? Want to go splitsies on a new company where you just make all the matches for people?James – I need to get to a coffee shop and start drafting a business model ASAP. Time is wasting and I need to find the perfect domain name. Perhaps http://www.theresnoshameincrymaxing.com?Lisa – Wow, I had no idea that's what you went though. I'm so glad you are in a good place now and I'm sure whatever happens you'll land with the right guy. You've always been such a phenomenal person, it's only a matter of time.Rebecca – I've never told you this but I'm so impressed by your resolve. Honestly, I don't know where you get your strength from, but I admire it and want to emulate it.
Honestly, I have a whole theory on dating…mainly, what you think you want and what you need for the long run can be two very different things. There are some characteristics that should be absolutely non-negotiable in my opinion, but we definitely put too much emphasis on the aesthetic. I love the book called Why you think, work, act and love the way you do…it is an amazing book. My brother, that just moved here, is in the same position as you…cool guy, great heart, loves Jesus but just needs to be in the right place, right time? Noel and I should have you over to chilax sometime and we can philosophize
We are still wanting to host a game night with a bunch of people.
Angel – absolutely, feel free. I checked out your site and it looks really interesting. Do you do 1:1 matching using real people instead of algorithms?
Interesting post. Especially from where I am coming from. I don't think people in Seattle are on the hunt….I think most of them are afraid and hiding in their lives. Myself included (at times). I think its incredibly hard to connect with people and not feel vunerable, which unfortunately is considered a weakness. Being vunerable is the only way true relationships (romantic or otherwise) develop over time.I was married for 16 years until 6 months ago. I don't expect that the next person (or 2nd, 3rd or 4th) that I date will be "the one". But who knows. Stranger things have happened. And the only way that you can find out is to try. But how you meet those people is a mystery to me and part of the journey; being open to all possibilites is what I hope to do. Thanks for your post Derek.