In an earlier post entitled Chemistry, I took a sharp view against online dating. It has been my opinion that is nearly impossible to have an automated process by which to establish “compatibility”. And in fact, I think even the word “compatibility” gets us further from the point, because it implies there is matrix of gives and gets – things we want and things the other person wants, and aligntment of those lists indicates a love connection.

Not so.

My buddy, who has been matched with nearly 1200 women on eHarmony, is living proof that compatibility and chemistry are very different things. And further, machines playing matchmakers are far more flawed than the commercials with shiny, happy couples would have you believe.

He canceled his membership. But before he went, he wrote them a letter. Take a read, hope you find it as amusing as I did.

Dear eharmony,

I have been matched with 1187 women at this point and have contacted…3. 3. There have been 3 women that I have found attractive,spiritually compelling, physically active and with an all around compatible personality. 3. Your matching system is incredibly flawed to the point that I have wasted time and money on what I had hoped would help me find someone to go on, at least, a couple dates with. Instead, I have talked to 3 women who were, to their credit not yours, fantastic.

Am I too picky? Well, I should hope so if I’m looking to be with this person for a lifetime. But, when I say that someone living an “active lifestyle” is of utmost importance to me and you match me with someone who describes themselves as “depressed and in need of medication” (yes, this happened), I feel like you aren’t really paying attention. Your 29 levels of matching blah blah blah seems to be…”ummm, do you live in the same city or, like, ummm…within, like, 50 miles. Yeah? Okay (sniff), we’ll just put you two together and hope you don’t (long sniff that seems to dislodge something both hard and moist) notice that we don’t really care. $29.95, please.” Who is doing the matching, anyways, a divorced chimp who is overly excited to see relationships fail just as his did?

So, eharmony, you have provided quite a service to this single, 30 year old guy: teaching me that love is not an odds game. I cannot trust my dating life to a website that cares more about its photo shoots of “successful couples”/”models who just met each other and are good at pretending to be in love” than whether or not I ever find Ms. Right. (but certainly cares that my debit card is about to expire, thanks for the reminder by the way). Instead, I should take my 30 dollars a month and pay a stoned gas station attendant to give my number to all the “hot girls that come in between midnight and 4AM”, because that will give me just as much of a leg up on meeting Ms. Right as your site has.

I’m certain that most of the women on this site are amazing women with incredible character. But, I didn’t sign up and pay to meet just any woman with incredible character. I signed up to meet someone who shares my interests, my faith, my hopes for the future and maybe…just maybe…I find attractive. So, before you put this back on me and say I’m the one with the problem, let me just say that I tried. I really did. I was open to each match and gave each woman a shot on first read. But, one woman answered the question, “The one thing I wish MORE people would notice about me is” with (and again, I’m not joking): “That my drug problem is”. THAT WAS HER ENTIRE ANSWER. And of the 1187 matches, I have at least 200 more of those stories. So, yes, perhaps I am an awful person for not connecting with anyone on here. You (and my conscience) can blame it on me. But, in reality eharmony, your system isn’t working. I think you know it, and lots of other people (including the girl with the drug problem) know it, too. So, let’s come clean, you and me. I’m very picky with who I want to spend my life with and you don’t really care who that is…as long as it isn’t anytime soon and I keep my debit card nice and up-to-date. Agreed?

In closing, they say that an infinite amount of chimps typing for an infinite amount of time will eventually write Shakespeare. The same is probably true for those chimps matching me with the perfect woman. But, I don’t have that kind of time. An my bank account can’t possibly keep up. Goodbye, eharmony, you’ve been my drunk, bitter married friend who says, “You should talk to her,” with every woman that passes.

Bravo, my friend. Bravo.