Jake, Mr. Personality

I’ve started to assemble a small forum at my home on Monday evenings, made up of a mixture of women ranging from mild to wild on the cynicism scale. On one side, there’s Carrie – a girl who believes that love really can be found in 2 hours of commercially interrupted content once a week. Conversely, there’s Keira – who is muc

h more, shall we say, focused on reality. Keira spends most of the show laughing at the ridiculous things coming out of the contestant’s cast member’s mouths.

These “Ladies’ Nights” have proven effective in surfacing a major revelation. Jake… the bachelor himself, has no personality whatsoever. I’ll say it again.

Jake has no personality whatsoever.

And it comes down to him being so careful. He knows America is watching, and as such every word is scripted to the T. He makes sure to not tip his hand too much, but in the process never has an original thought. Let’s play a little game. Count how many times he uses adjectives in the place of nouns. It’s more than you can count, I assure you. This guy is living in a fantasy land – everything is amazing, and incredible, and amazing. He says “amazing” a lot. In fact, he says amazing almost as much as the contestants bachelorettes made corny aviation-related puns in the season premiere. And that’s a lot.

Ok, so yes, this is a bit of a rant – but with good reason. I’m calling on America to choose their next bachelor wisely. I want someone who is real, someone who all the guys can rally around because he actually both looks and acts like a dude. Here’s an example excerpt from the bachelor I’d like to see:

“I really liked Tenley, but she kept talking about her ex-husband. Like all the time. So then, I suddenly noticed that all the other girls are way hotter. Except Vienna of course, but the producers won’t let me get rid of her. And besides, I kind of like the trashy ones.”

Now that’s a bachelor I could get behind.